CL-Blog

Do I believe it Yet?

The beginning of my post-Illustrators of the Future reflections...

Does winning automatically equate to believing you're a winner? 

Good question.

I think the answer depends on too many factors to give a single answer that will apply to everyone. How you feel when you win a substantial honor like Illustrators of the Future depends on where you are on the scale of belief in self when the win comes. We all have our own unique journey, some longer and more arduous than others but all valid. The realization that I did the big thing I was trying to do for years is still coming over me in waves.

I had three false starts/finalists leading up to my big win which got me thinking about whether or not I felt ready to win. Which led to me working on myself so that when the win finally came I would be ready. I worked harder, stretched my skillsets, and took a close look at my mental health to see if I was strong enough to weather the pressures of any degree of admiration or acclaim.

And when I did finally get that call from Joni Labaqui that this was not a drill and I had actually won. I found that I hadn't been overthinking it and winning was far from a finish line. Each big win is another rung on a ladder or as Kevin J Anderson has called it "a false summit". I'm finding some days it feels more like a running leap at a cliff edge with an enthusiastic boost on a trampoline surrounded by grinning friends. You'd better test those wings if you want to be the pig that flies because a timid tiptoe to the edge wont get you soaring.

Enough metaphor for the moment...

Winning is a pair of golden wings(Oh wait, I lied. I'm married to my metaphors) I repeat, winning is a pair of golden wings but it's okay to fly scared. I flew scared painting the commission that would be published in the anthology, and I flew scared all the way to my trip to Hollywood. I flew scared through some moments throughout that magical week but honestly once I was there surrounded by new and acclaimed artists and authors alike, it became even more clear that we're all just people with dreams and we all get scared. It's our job to fly scared, fly together, and be the wind beneath eachother's wings.

So what comes after? (The answer is for myself as much as you dear reader)

The same as before. Takes steps. Keep taking steps. Pull magic from that other realm and manifest it or submit it for production (Both. Do both.) Just don't sit with your win and stare at that trophy as if it's the only one you ever need to get. Because the trophy is shiny, and pointy, and delightful but it's a path marker, not a trail end. I'm a fan of keeping mementos and talisman close by to remind me of my mission and my past wins. It's like gathering a wave of magic at your back to push you onward.

Don't shy away from celebrating the win. The good ones will celebrate with you, I'm finding. My friends have been taking every opportunity to celebrate me and show me love. I'm grateful for that. Because no amount of adulation is armor against, fear, doubt, or lonliness. My armor must be built of relationships. 

I am feeling a new pressure to succeed because my cushion of excuses have been melted by fire. I know how. I know the steps to take. I've been given multiple road maps by working professionals in the field I want to enter. And I've had it affirmed that my skillset is honed enough to truly begin. The only thing that can stop me now is me. 

Thankfully along with that pressure, I've had a bolus of confidence in the form of stardust. I feel like the girl who drank the moon, bursting with magic, and purpose, and potential. So here we go, off that trampoline even if my fresh made wings are still wet, because pigs can fly.

The Parable of the Pomegranates

I am invigorated after Superstars and full of stories to share, so here is the first of many...

I started my first day home by seeing my little ones off to school and then had my Tuesday run/walk and breakfast with my friend and fellow artist, Ian. Our conversation required me to try and distill the essence of what Superstars is in order to share some of the magic and explain the experience to him. I'll share more of that with you in a later post. For now, suffice it to say that he isn't even a writer but he felt the pull to come along to the seminars next year. How do we distill such an experience into words for one who has yet to experience it? My sleeping mind knows better than my waking self...

Once I was exercised, fed, and home I realized sleep was calling me back towards my warm bed for cat snuggles. I'd built up quite a sleep debt in my travels. Instead of worrying that I’d lose precious time to create and push toward my goals I decided that sleep would help the lessons of Superstars stick in my mind and entwine themselves into the pathways already there. 

I slept, and slept, and slept...

I've mentioned that I am nightmare prone and do a lot of emotional processing in my sleep(as ya do). Superstars helped me process some heavy emotional baggage this year, some of it welling up in nightmares by day two of the seminars. 

But instead of more nightmares, now that I was home from such a transformative experience, I felt profoundly safe, loved, and worthy of this rest. 

I woke from vivid dreams feeling even more inspired, with some of my missions for the year solidified in my mind. It came in a lush, personally significant metaphor--I dreamt that I found pomegranate trees in the wild and tore into them with my teeth. They split open in my hands, tart, delicious and refreshing. I devoured all of the crimson-jewel seeds of one and then another as if my appetite could never be sated. But then I picked two more, looked at them, and saw that I wasn't the only one there. I handed the  next two pomegranites I picked to these new friends that appeared out of the dream aether.

Pomegranates hold deep significance in mythology and for me personally. Dreams can be interpreted many ways but this one, I think, was window-glass clear.